How to Get Beaten Up

Experts give you tips on how to take care of your health, manage pain, escape danger and tell you practically every possible way to extend your life. I on the other hand for a change will give you one whole fucking walkthrough on how to get beaten up and how to do it well. This is in lieu of my short street fighting stint in Orosa-Nakpil the other night (Finally I proved the world how lame I am).

Tip #1

Go out alone. Never invite a person to enjoy the night with you. They will only ask you to go home when you've had too much Amarrettos. And pull you to safety when you're rumbling with a humongous gorilla thrice your size.

Tip #2

Get very drunk. Defy laws in alcohol consumption. Mixing types of alcohol is highly advisable. Avoid drinking water for this dilutes the alcohol in your bloodstream. Stop only when rubbing you will ignite you to flames.

Plus it will save you time in your cremation. Your heightened alcohol level will make it quicker for you to burn to ashes.

Tip #3

Go bar hopping as this will increase the chances of you finding someone who will take you on. Nice people are creeping everywhere. Make sure you avoid them as they will not help in you in this endeavor.

Tip #4

Wear a shirt that quickly rips. Nothing is cooler than getting you're shirt shredded in public. Show some flesh! Just make sure that you go to the gym before all of this. You wouldn't wanna miss the part where a fellow faggot out of nowhere shouts 'Ay Borta!!!'

Tip #5

Hit on and flirt with somebody taken. Make sure that he has a boyfriend bigger than all of the men in your family combined.

Tip #6

Make sure that you do not have any knowledge of self-defense or martial arts whatsoever. Have the lamest punch in the world and your aim should be like a little school girl's ( Tip #2 will help you a lot on this).

Tip #7

Get punched first. Have no clue on where your fellow street fighter will come from. There's nothing better than a surprise fist breakfast.

After the instant attack, you might lose balance and tip over. Break the fall with your face since your head  (and brain) must be the softest part of your body.

Tip #8

Bouncers in the bar should be nothing but mere scarecrows. They'll only watch. Finally they'd learn some real life action from you.

Tip #9

End it all by walking away and crying like a little baby. If you have a cellphone (must be fully functional and with credits left), call your parents. They would love to wake up in the middle of the night just to learn you've been beaten to a pulp and they can't do anything because they're light years away.

Tip #10

Bring an extra shirt or jacket. You must have at least some fresh clothes to put on after all the hard core action you've just been through. An extra cellphone will also help. You might have lost it or crushed it after you fell face first.

After you've followed all my tips, blog your experience so that everyone in the planet will know how stupid and lame you are.