Saturday, February 9, 2013

Hell is Empty and All the Devils Are Here

Just by looking at this picture, can you tell that 
1.) I am watching porn,
2.) reading or writing a blog entry, or
3.) watching Naruto

Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 
They all broke loose and 
Scattered all over the world. 
One caught my eye 
And stayed for a while. 
A blue eyed devil that
Stole the light from my eyes.
I looked deep into him and only found Darkness.
A familiar darkness that once filled me with sadness
Dum de dum and so I hummed
As we both took turns in beating the drum.
At night I came and in the morning I left.
The blue eyed devil, my heart, he committed theft.
I came back from time to time
Because in each other's arms it was sublime
But it wasn't forever and eventually in
Coldness I'll shiver.
So I have to leave while there is still
A hint of light in this heart he filled with darkness.
I can't look back, no I can't.
I've heard this story before, 
And I think it was mine.
I remember a time and the memories are vague.
When once also, a long time ago
 Hell emptied and I broke free.
I'm leaving while I can and while I can still see
Because my other eye he didn't catch, so to speak.
Eventually that darkness will wear off and he will never ever be
The same fugitive - The same blue eyed devil
That caught my eye and 
Stayed for a while.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Hiding in Plain Sight

 There is happiness in a bowl of Lomi. 
As a true blue Lipenyo, I am compelled to have a serving of this weekly.

Carlo and I broke up around October last year. I found out he has sleeping around while I was working night shifts for my freelance work. Shit, I went freelance just to get closer to him only to find out what the real him was like while I was far away in Manila.  The motherfucker slept with almost every gay man I come across with.

What seemed to be a match made in heaven turned to demons and hellhounds breaking free from hell. So much lies. Too much that I could handle. I broke down and stayed in my room for a month. I spent my nights drinking and crying over the fact that someone I loved so hard and sacrificed so many things for could just easily throw all that we had away for some kinky sex. Good thing that thing ended. There's no more Carlo and I. Finally, peace.

A few weeks ago,  I almost made the same mistake of climbing up that same pile of poop. Luckily, I got turned down and that kinda kicked some sense into my head.

Why was I repeatedly chasing love all the time? Why do I think that finding that special someone is my only answer to happiness? When in reality, all I bump into is tragic relationships that just leave ugly scars on me.

I spent the last eight years of my life chasing love and ignored so many things that could have made me happier for who I am. My family was always there for me. I have a family that accepts and loves me regardless of me being gay. My childhood friends likewise accepted and loved me. Why am I complaining too much about not finding someone who I can come home to every night when all day I am building a career that would provide me of my financial needs?

Happiness was just hiding in plain sight while I was busy hunting for an imaginary creature. It had hit me right between the eye several times and I'm too stupid to notice it.

And now, I'm looking at myself. And I've never been this happy before. I am free. My mind is clearer and I am planning my life much better.

I'm jogging again, going to the gym, and now I'm taking Muay Thai lessons. I make it a point to take home pasalubong to my nephews. I spend more time with my mom and my dad. My dad and I hang out and talk more now. We're closer than ever. I come to office early and work with more discipline. I don't worry about breaking my heart. I am least vulnerable now.

I suppose I won't be finding love soon. I don't feel the need to find it, nor am I hoping for the best. I'm just letting the future decide that. But for now, I just want to be happy.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

My Turn, Your Turn. Man, You'll Get There Too

Today was unforgivable. Damn you, day, if you weren't only abstract!. I finished early from work because my boss was kind enough to let me go for the shift since it was his gym night. Cool, I would have gotten more sleep. Especially I was bound to tarry my best friend to have his war wounds begone of stitches later today (Another topic from the other side of the universe, befriend me on FB for updates). Enough rest, I thought. But Hell, no. I just rolled in and out of my bed expecting the sandman to visit me anytime soon, however slept just kept eluding me.

Who else should I approach for help? No other than, my faithful, whore a.k.a alcohol (That's right, a WHORE. Because you have to pay to get satisfied). Today, she's dressed up as brandy and not her usual Red Horse gala dress.

I sat on the dining table with my two nephews having their merienda. They asked me why I was drinking early in the morning. I was about to go on a flashback, on a galaxy far far away, ... oh shit where was I going? I was about to say, "I hope you will all grow up with a peace of mind and a heart that's pure so that when you go to bed at night, sleep will follow with your mind assured that you haven't left regret and sorrow in the world of awake, since you are not sure that you'll wake up in the same world tomorrow". Fuck, what's wrong with me?

The truth is I have been like this since I was young. I couldn't sleep many a night. My imagination murdered me and taunted me while I was growing. Imagine sleeping at night with your only wish is to get up early in the morning since you have to go to school early tomorrow but the ideas of Princess Sarah, Cedie, Peter Pan, Anatom and Agatom, Hiraya Manawari, Streetfighter, Mario  and Tropang Trumpo overlap and kick each other for attention in your young and virgin mind. I was raped by my daytime world.

I bounced back to the world of the living. I looked back at my nephews who were waiting for a response. I told them, "Wala lang...". That was it. Plain and stupid. Un-enlightening and repressed.

I didn't tell them a single thing I had in mind. I guess I think they won't even remember a thing I would have said if i did care to say something or heck, I just don't want to deprive these children their right to imagine stupid things while having shots of brandy in the future, when they're as old as I am, sitting on the dining table, with their own nephews. :D Cheers!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

'Tis The Yuletide Season! I Wish You Eternal Blisters from Hell!

December of Seven Deadly Sins

     Had unsafe sex with multiple people I barely knew. Boo!

     Ate enough food to make me survive a three-year hunger strike. I gained 6 kilos in just three weeks without gym. Mom said to only have a little of everything. A little of everything turned out to be three platefuls. 
     Plus the drinking marathon after every X'mas party I attended added to my bloating calorie reserve. Amarretto, Tequila, Vodka, Beer, Gin, Rhum, Diesel, Leaded, Unleaded - I might have drunk every type of alcohol known to man.

     Did not share that much of my X'mas Bonus and Salary to my family. I finally bought clothes for myself. It was not evil, till I things got out of hand. I started impulsively buying new expensive clothes for every party I went to. One of them got ripped in public (See entry before this).

     Slept all day after the party last night. I think I slept all day after every party I went to. Rest, up. Dependability at work, down.

     Didn't go to work. I said I was asleep. Duhr! Tsk tsk.

     See entry before this.

      Envied the cute couples who are gonna get laid on X'mas day. Damn, I hate seeing cute couples together. It makes me realize how miserable my life is.

     Denied that something's terribly wrong with me even after my mother laid the facts on the table. I keep thinking that I am alright when I don't seem to be. I'm slowly crumbling and giving in to the weight of my own emotional baggage. When can I face the truth that I just can't be the person I'm trying to be?

     No wonder I got beaten up.

Friday, December 16, 2011

How to Get Beaten Up

Experts give you tips on how to take care of your health, manage pain, escape danger and tell you practically every possible way to extend your life. I on the other hand for a change will give you one whole fucking package on how to get beaten up and how to do it well. This is in lieu of my short street fighting stint in Orosa-Nakpil the other night (Finally I proved the world how lame I am).

Tip #1

Go out alone. Never invite a person to enjoy the night with you. They will only ask you to go home when you've had too much Amarrettos. And pull you to safety when you're rumbling with a humongous gorilla thrice your size.

Tip #2

Get very drunk. Defy laws in alcohol consumption. Mixing types of alcohol is highly advisable. Avoid drinking water for this dilutes the alcohol in your bloodstream. Stop only when rubbing you will ignite you to flames.

Plus it will save you time in your cremation. Your heightened alcohol level will make it quicker for you to burn to ashes.

Tip #3

Go bar hopping as this will increase the chances of you finding someone who will take you on. Nice people are creeping everywhere. Make sure you avoid them as they will not help in you in this endeavor.

Tip #4

Wear a shirt that quickly rips. Nothing is cooler than getting you're shirt shredded in public. Show some flesh! Just make sure that you go to the gym before all of this. You wouldn't wanna miss the part where a fellow faggot out of nowhere shouts 'Ay Borta!!!'

Tip #5

Hit on and flirt with somebody taken. Make sure that he has a boyfriend bigger than all of the men in your family combined.

Tip #6

Make sure that you do not have any knowledge of self-defense or martial arts whatsoever. Have the lamest punch in the world and your aim should be like a little school girl's ( Tip #2 will help you a lot on this).

Tip #7

Get punched first. Have no clue on where your fellow street fighter will come from. There's nothing better than a surprise fist breakfast.

After the instant attack, you might lose balance and tip over. Break the fall with your face since your head  (and brain) must be the softest part of your body.

Tip #8

Bouncers in the bar should be nothing but mere scarecrows. They'll only watch. Finally they'd learn some real life action from you.

Tip #9

End it all by walking away and crying like a little baby. If you have a cellphone (must be fully functional and with credits left), call your parents. They would love to wake up in the middle of the night just to learn you've been beaten to a pulp and they can't do anything because they're light years away.

Tip #10

Bring an extra shirt or jacket. You must have at least some fresh clothes to put on after all the hard core action you've just been through. An extra cellphone will also help. You might have lost it or crushed it after you fell face first.

After you've followed all my tips, blog your experience so that everyone in the planet will know how stupid and lame you are.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Snapshots of Sherwin - The Last Album - True Color Revealed

"Don't be a jerk." - my reply.

This was my response to his text saying that he was sleepy and couldn't wait much longer. He was in a Starbucks along Congressional Avenue supposedly studying while waiting for me (the semester hasn't started yet.).

Earlier that evening we decided to meet somewhere in Katipunan. I guess he felt he can just do that - switch meeting places when he felt like it. I proved him wrong.

The stern expression on my face bothered my table mates in Sarah's. I was wreaking with bad vibes while they were having a good time.

<to be continued>

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Guitar Luvin'

It's been a while since I had some guitar luvin' and damn, did I miss my precious Red Baron's sweet voice.

That's right. My guitar is named Red Baron. I bet you give names to your precious things too.

Prior to moving to Boni, I spent most of my nights waiting for hours in the bus drowning in the thick EDSA traffic. And when I finally resurface in Diliman, I drop dead asleep on my bed or drop by Sarah's for beer.

Well now, it's different. It just takes me fifteen minutes to get out of the office and back to the boarding house where I'm currently staying. There's no Sarah's nearby so I'm forced to stay at home. There's no Jimmy nor Jade to whom I can share about my day in the office. Just me and my time.

Then I remembered an old friend that used to keep me company for hours back in my lonely dormitory days. An old friend that responded to my touch with beautiful melodies that ranged from the angry to the amorous.
Oh Red Baron, I'm so sorry for leaving you alone in that dark..dirty...small..uhmm.. dirty?...dirteh, dusty bag.

I wiped my baby clean and bought him a new set of strings and picks. And to aid him are a new strap and a new capo.

Have to make up for the lost time.

"Red, remember the first song we played together?"