'Tis The Yuletide Season! I Wish You Eternal Blisters from Hell!

December of Seven Deadly Sins

Lust

     Had unsafe sex with multiple people I barely knew. Boo!

Gluttony

     Ate enough food to make me survive a three-year hunger strike. I gained 6 kilos in just three weeks without gym. Mom said to only have a little of everything. A little of everything turned out to be three platefuls. 
      
     Plus the drinking marathon after every X'mas party I attended added to my bloating calorie reserve. Amarretto, Tequila, Vodka, Beer, Gin, Rhum, Diesel, Leaded, Unleaded - I might have drunk every type of alcohol known to man.

Greed

     Did not share that much of my X'mas Bonus and Salary to my family. I finally bought clothes for myself. It was not evil, till I things got out of hand. I started impulsively buying new expensive clothes for every party I went to. One of them got ripped in public (See entry before this).

Sloth

     Slept all day after the party last night. I think I slept all day after every party I went to. Rest, up. Dependability at work, down.

Acedia

     Didn't go to work. I said I was asleep. Duhr! Tsk tsk.

Wrath

     See entry before this.

Envy

      Envied the cute couples who are gonna get laid on X'mas day. Damn, I hate seeing cute couples together. It makes me realize how miserable my life is.

Pride

     Denied that something's terribly wrong with me even after my mother laid the facts on the table. I keep thinking that I am alright when I don't seem to be. I'm slowly crumbling and giving in to the weight of my own emotional baggage. When can I face the truth that I just can't be the person I'm trying to be?

Vainglory

     No wonder I got beaten up.

How to Get Beaten Up

Experts give you tips on how to take care of your health, manage pain, escape danger and tell you practically every possible way to extend your life. I on the other hand for a change will give you one whole fucking walkthrough on how to get beaten up and how to do it well. This is in lieu of my short street fighting stint in Orosa-Nakpil the other night (Finally I proved the world how lame I am).

Tip #1

Go out alone. Never invite a person to enjoy the night with you. They will only ask you to go home when you've had too much Amarrettos. And pull you to safety when you're rumbling with a humongous gorilla thrice your size.

Tip #2

Get very drunk. Defy laws in alcohol consumption. Mixing types of alcohol is highly advisable. Avoid drinking water for this dilutes the alcohol in your bloodstream. Stop only when rubbing you will ignite you to flames.

Plus it will save you time in your cremation. Your heightened alcohol level will make it quicker for you to burn to ashes.

Tip #3

Go bar hopping as this will increase the chances of you finding someone who will take you on. Nice people are creeping everywhere. Make sure you avoid them as they will not help in you in this endeavor.

Tip #4

Wear a shirt that quickly rips. Nothing is cooler than getting you're shirt shredded in public. Show some flesh! Just make sure that you go to the gym before all of this. You wouldn't wanna miss the part where a fellow faggot out of nowhere shouts 'Ay Borta!!!'

Tip #5

Hit on and flirt with somebody taken. Make sure that he has a boyfriend bigger than all of the men in your family combined.

Tip #6

Make sure that you do not have any knowledge of self-defense or martial arts whatsoever. Have the lamest punch in the world and your aim should be like a little school girl's ( Tip #2 will help you a lot on this).

Tip #7

Get punched first. Have no clue on where your fellow street fighter will come from. There's nothing better than a surprise fist breakfast.

After the instant attack, you might lose balance and tip over. Break the fall with your face since your head  (and brain) must be the softest part of your body.

Tip #8

Bouncers in the bar should be nothing but mere scarecrows. They'll only watch. Finally they'd learn some real life action from you.

Tip #9

End it all by walking away and crying like a little baby. If you have a cellphone (must be fully functional and with credits left), call your parents. They would love to wake up in the middle of the night just to learn you've been beaten to a pulp and they can't do anything because they're light years away.

Tip #10

Bring an extra shirt or jacket. You must have at least some fresh clothes to put on after all the hard core action you've just been through. An extra cellphone will also help. You might have lost it or crushed it after you fell face first.

After you've followed all my tips, blog your experience so that everyone in the planet will know how stupid and lame you are.